


and you can't stand the sight of me, so what's the point of this fucked up catastrophe?

by diabolicaldean



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Buddie if you squint, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Evan "Buck" Buckley Backstory, Evan "Buck" Buckley Has Bad Parents, Evan "Buck" Buckley Needs A Hug, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Bad At Tagging, Maddie is 34 in this fic and Buck is 29, Medical Inaccuracies, Panic Attacks, Rated M for adult language, Saviour Sibling, Season/Series 04, U.S. Navy SEAL Evan "Buck" Buckley, also my math may be a little bit off, brief tho, but there's not a lot of swearing i promise, cause i wanted this fic to be solely about bucks journey, cause im dumb, maybe I'll write a sequel where they actually get together, spoilers ofc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-16 00:54:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29073657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/diabolicaldean/pseuds/diabolicaldean
Summary: Neither of them were particularly close to their parents but Maddie started talking to their mother again after she killed Doug. She left their parents on a good note, even if they weren’t the most approving of her relationship at the time. Buck though?His parents are not abusive. They never were.They aren’t evil. They aren’t bad people.They are just…distant.Painfully so.And always with him.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Evan "Buck" Buckley's Parents, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Comments: 24
Kudos: 232





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this fic was supposed to be a one shot but I'll add a second chapter simply because of the way i went with writing this and it would feel weird if i didn't break it down in 2 chapters.
> 
> This is my first 9-1-1 fic so fair warning, it might be a little OOC but then again all my fics are a little OOC. I love this concept of saviour sibling for Buck Begins so i wrote it but please if any talented writers see this PLEASE WRITE A FIC WITH THIS CONCEPT TOO :')
> 
> to see what medical terms mean in this chapter check out the notes below - i tried to be as accurate as possible but medicine is so much harder on English and i didn't have patience to translate the sources from my language to English 
> 
> so anyways enjoy the fic?? :)
> 
> -
> 
> title is from "Lonely" by Palaye Royale

"Nothing I ever did was good enough!" 

"Because you were never good enough!"

_-_

**_1990_**

_Olivia Paige Buckley, born on October 5th 1984, was diagnosed with Aplastic anemia, at the tender age of 5. A year later her actual diagnosis, Fanconi anaemia, came to the light. Philip and Margaret spent endless hours in the uncomfortable hospital chairs, hand in hand waiting for a nurse to come for them._

_“Family of Olivia Buckley?” the nurse called out to the half empty waiting room. The couple stood up quickly._

_“Come with me” she said, leaving the doctor’s office’s doors open._

_Dr. Johnson’s office was modest. There were paintings of various styles hanging on the pale blue walls, a rosewood bean bag in the corner of the room with Legos, puzzles and plush toys scattered around. There were snake plants on the windows, accompanied with some aloe plants. In front of the window was a cherry wood desk, medical books and numerous patients’ files on top of it. There was a man sitting behind it, reading through one of the files._

_“Dr. Johnson?” the nurse's voice made him look up. “These are Olivia’s parents”_

_He stood up and got in front of the desk, extending his hand to shake with the Buckleys_

_“Mr. and Ms. Buckley, please have a seat.” Dr. Johnson said, pointing at the two chairs. He was an older but tall and fit gentleman, his gray hair receding on the sides and reading glasses on top of his head. He was holding Olivia’s file._

_The parents sat in their seats, their anxiety rising to the roof, neither of them bothered enough to hide it. This was the third doctor they were visiting and they were slowly losing hope for their oldest. None of the previous doctors wanted to deal with her diagnosis, saying their child’s chances to make it to her teens are slim, that there was nothing they could do. Philip and Margaret were nothing if dedicated people and every time life closed one door they were barging in through another. They were not backing down easily, especially when their daughter’s life was in question._

_“I looked over your daughter’s file. Bone marrow failure, diagnosed with Fanconi anaemia at the age of 6… to be honest with you the odds are against her.” Johnson said in one breath. Despite his words, his voice remained steady, monotone._

_“We know, doctor. You’re the third person to tell us this.” Margaret said in a small voice. “ But we’ve heard about you and your success with the cases that most doctors never want to interact with. We travelled all the way from Pennsylvania for your opinion.” she finished._

_“A solution, hopefully” Philip added._

_Dr. Johnson looked at Olivia’s file again with a small sigh, tapping his pen on the table._

_“Here it says that Olivia has a younger sister, Madeline?” he asked._

_The couple nodded._

_“Did any of Olivia’s previous doctors propose a bone marrow transplant?"_

_Philip and Margaret exchanged a quick look._

_"Yes, but Maddie isn't compatible. Neither of us are" Philip answered._

_Dr. Johnson hummed in acknowledgement._

_"Have you ever heard of the term "saviour sibling"? "_

-

**_2021_**

Buck was changing into his civilian clothes when his phone went off in the locker room. He slipped on a shirt and turned the device on, smiling a little like he always does when he turns it on. His lock screen was a picture of Christopher and him eating pancakes in a restaurant near the pier. Christopher had a smudge of maple syrup on his chin and his grin was so wide it basically covered his whole face. Buck loves that picture. After looking at the photo for a second, his eyes settled on the reason why he went for his phone in the first place

**3 unread messages**

Buck unlocked his phone

**(9:54 pm) Mads:** they should be in town on monday

**(9:54 pm) Mads:** i know you don’t want to see them

**(9:56 pm) Mads:** but can you think about it?

He was not thrilled to see his parents after nearly a decade of no contact. When Maddie and Chim told the 118 crew that there’s going to be a little Buckley-Han running around soon, Buck was insanely happy. It felt like he didn’t know what true happiness was until that moment. He couldn’t believe Maddie was going to become a mother, that _he_ was going to become an uncle.

After Doug, Maddie deserved every ounce of contentment she could get and the fact that she let herself love again, that she trusts herself to become a mother? Buck is extremely proud of her. The happiness about the newest member of their family was not short lived but it did dim a little when Maddie told him their parents are coming to town to meet Chimney and to attend the baby shower.

Neither of them were particularly close to their parents but Maddie started talking to their mother again after she killed Doug. Maddie left them on a good note, even if they weren’t the most approving of her relationship at the time. Buck though? 

His parents are not abusive. They never were.

They aren’t evil. They aren’t bad people.

They are just…distant.

Painfully so.

And always with him.

-

**_2010_**

_“What do you mean you’re not going to college?” Philip’s sharp voice cut through the silence_

_“I mean exactly that. I don’t want to go” Evan answered._

_His mother stared at him with her mouth agape. His father stood up from the sofa, throwing the newspapers on the coffee table. “And what do you plan to do then, huh? Do you plan to live off of our pensions until the end of time? Work at a McDonalds for the rest of your life? Be nobody and no one after all we did for you, after everything we provided for you?” he said, his voice getting angrier with each word._

_“No actually, I’m not incapable as you think I am.” Evan answered. “I’m going to Peru with David”_

_“Peru?” His mother asked “What are you talking about- Who’s David?” She was standing too now, recovered from the initial shock._

_Evan snorted. “David, my best friend David from middle school? You know, the guy that hangs out here on weekends since we were fifteen?” Evan hoped that would trigger their memory but they looked even more confused. Ofcourse they didn’t know. Ofcourse. Naturally. They never bothered to meet David, even though he was at their house most of the weekends._

_When his parents said nothing, he continued “His uncle owns a beach bar in_ _Máncora and he offered us both jobs there for the summer. And we accepted the offer”_

_His mother looked even more shocked than before and his father… his father looked furious._

_“So we were saving up the college fund for what exactly? For you to run off the damn continent to go work in a bar instead of studying for something respectable? Do you have any idea how many things we could’ve done with that money instead?” His father stepped closer, his hands curling into fists._

_“Right. ‘Cause the money is what your concern is” Evan answered, small disbelief evident in his voice._

_“Damn right it is.” Margaret finally spoke “We had a hard life after I had to quit my job as a CEO and our funds were milked from your sister's student loans. And we still saved up for your college-”_ _  
_

_“Why are you acting like you care about what I do all of the sudden? You know that those funds wouldn’t even exist if grandma didn’t practically force you into opening an account! You know that most of that money is from her will!” Evan screamed at his parents. He won’t let them take credit for this._

_“And we should’ve used that money to pay off our debts instead of wasting it” Philip spat. He put his hands in the air in exasperation “Damn it child, why can’t you do a single thing right? Do you enjoy disappointing us every day?” he yelled those words at Evan and practically ran out of the living room to the bathroom, slamming the bathroom doors._

_Evan looked up, trying to pull back the tears that were threatening to spill. This was hardly the most intense fight he had with his parents, but to have his fears confirmed hurt. He always felt like whatever he did was not good enough for his parents and tonight, his feelings were proven to be right._

_Taking in a deep breath, he looked at his mother. She was still looking at the direction Philip went a minute ago and then said, while still looking at the bathroom door “Are you absolutely sure you don’t want to go to college?”_

_“Yes.”_

_His mother looked him in the eyes, blue meeting another pair of blue_

_“Pack your things. You have a week to move out.”_

  
  


_-_

**_2021_**

Buck couldn’t sleep that night, despite his exhaustion from the eight-hour shift. His mind was racing, coming up with old memories after he inched closer to blissfulness that sleep usually provided. His parents are going to be here tomorrow. In the same town, just a couple of miles away from his apartment. He doesn’t know how he feels about it, even though one would think he’d be furious at the way things ended between them. He said so to his therapist, dr. Copeland. 

_“No one will look down on you if you decide not to meet up with your parents” she said calmly. “But people change. The world is constantly changing. Maybe they changed with it too. Do you really want to miss out on the opportunity to see them again? Do you think that you shouldn’t at least try to get along with them?_

Buck knows she’s right ‘cause truthfully, he wants to see them even after the way things ended. Buck still loves his parents and their approval is still important to him. He thinks, no he _knows_ that his life here is decent and worth being proud of. He’s a firefighter, and a helluva good one, he has his own apartment , a nice one at that… He’s doing good. 

His parents will see that. He’s sure of it.

They’ll have to. 

He opened his messages 

( **9:56 pm) Mads** : but can you think about it? 

I'll be there : **You (3:43 am)**

-

**_2015_**

_Máncora was beautiful. He never regretted accepting a full time job offer after the summer of 2010, arguably the best summer he ever had. Sure, bartending wasn't his dream job but it wasn't so bad. He got the hang of it and he loved working with David. His Spanish was still tacky but he learned the basics and most importantly, the names of the booze they served._

_After 5 years though, he got homesick. Not because of his parents, God no, he was thrilled to be without them but… he missed Pennsylvania. He really missed Maddie. Their calls, while still regular, were shorter and shorter, often cut off by Doug. He never liked the guy but he didn't have a heart to tell Maddie that after she spent hours and hours talking about Doug. He thought he didn't like Doug because of his overprotective nature and truthfully, no guy will ever be good enough for Maddie. Buck wanted to get close to Maddie again so when he saw an application for the Navy SEALS online, he didn't hesitate to fill in the request form._

_He got accepted._

  
  


_-_

**_2021_**

"What's up with our Buckaroo?" 

Hen, Eddie and Chim were leaning against the balcony of the station, subtly watching Buck go at the punching bag with killer determination for at least an hour. Even if they weren't subtle, Hen thinks Buck wouldn't notice their stares. 

"I don't know, but I don't like it. " Chim responded. 

Chim knows about the Buckleys coming to town, he is the reason why they were coming. Well, he and the little mango that's currently growing in his girlfriend's belly. Chim also knows that Buck and Maddie never had a good relationship with their parents. If Maddie didn't outright say that they were bad parents, Chim would've concluded that by himself simply because of their absence from Maddie and Buck's lives and childhood stories.

He has a gut feeling Buck's workout (if it could be called that) is connected to the dinner tonight

After a particularly hard punch that had a few heads down the station turned around, and Bobby looking away from the meal he was currently making, Eddie stepped away from the balcony and mumbled something along the lines of "I can't watch that anymore" and went down the stairs.

Buck didn't notice him until Eddie pointedly cleared his throat. Eddie could see the tension in Buck's broad shoulder, eyes focused on the bag and his gloves. 

"So…" he started "What's got you so tense?" 

"Nothing important" Buck answered before throwing two quick punches, bouncing on his feet. 

"So there is something," Eddie stated. 

Buck still didn't look at Eddie. 

"No point in denying it, I've seen you guys looking at me like I'm killing someone's puppy." 

**_Punch._**

"But, like I said, it's not important, it will be over soon and I just need to work through it" 

**_Punch._**

Buck exhaled and looked at Eddie for the first time that day, then he added "Preferably alone."

Buck struck the bag with everything he got and everytime he looked like he was going to stop, he continued again as if he wasn't punching for an hour. Eddie felt deep worry settle in his chest. Buck was no stranger to distancing himself when he needed help but he never outright refused it. 

The look on his best friend's face, full of untamed rage and sorrow reminded him of his expression when he was still fighting in that club Lena introduced him to months ago. It scared him. 

He pushed himself off the wall and stepped behind the bag, his hands settling on it and gently pulling it away from Buck's gloves. 

"Talk to me. What's going on?" 

Buck looked at him and let out an exasperated sigh before rolling his eyes and going to the locker room. Eddie followed. 

"Buck…" 

The other man ignored him, taking his uniform and a towel, heading for the showers instead. At this point Eddie knew it was better to leave Buck to set his thoughts straight than to continue to push. He hated feeling powerless, that Buck was hurting and apparently didn't trust him enough to confide in him. 

"Shit" he mumbled to the empty locker room. 

-

**_Maddie and Chim's house, dinner night_**

The dinner was a shit show from the get-go. First, he got stuck in traffic and came an hour late. 

_"Never can make it in time, can you?"_

_"Didn't really want to be here"_

Then, he mixed up Philip and Margaret's drinks when he tried to be nice and be a server the whole night (mostly to spare Maddie for walking back and forth, and to let Chimney calm down since his anxiety could be seen from a mile away) 

_"I hope you were a better bartender back then"_

_"Trust me when I say the customers back then were way more worth the effort"_

And to top it off, Maddie thought it was a good idea to mention that he's seeing a therapist (he blames himself for that one because he should've never told Maddie about dr. Copeland in the first place) 

_"You've been seeing a therapist?"_

_"The job can be stressful"_

Margaret and Philip exchanged a look. Buck knew their opinions on the stuff like counseling and therapy. They thought they were for the weak minded people. He remembers ending up in the counsellor's office after having a panic attack in highschool once.

His parents apologized for the inconvenience that was his panic attack and instead of asking him why he had a panic attack in the first place, they made their standing point very clear

_"If you are going to seek our attention, at least do something that is admirable. Counsellor's office? Really, Evan? You're gonna be sixteen soon, can't you control your temper tantrums?"_

For everyone except Maddie, Buck going to therapy was new information. Chim stiffened in his seat, his hands gripping Maddie's shoulder. Albert looked back and forth between Buck and his parents, waiting for someone to say something. 

Philip sighed, putting down his glass

"Ofcourse you can't do anything right " 

It took a second for Buck to register his father's words. _What?_ Did he really just say that going to therapy is him not doing anything right? 

"And what does that mean?" Buck asked before he could stop himself. He promised Maddie he would behave but this night has been nothing but prodding at his life and he's done with it. He is proud of the life he's leading and he's not going to let his parents ruin that. 

"Means that you can't do your job without burdening someone in the process" his father responded calmly. 

Buck doesn't remember much after that. He knows he left the apartment (more like stormed out, even though Chim and Maddie were trying to get him to stay) and then everything gets hazy. 

  
  


-

Turns out, drinking half of the liquor store and then trying to drive home was not the brightest idea. He's lucky he managed to come home without a scratch, but his car seats weren't so lucky since he puked all over them. He cringed at the cleaning bill he was going to get. 

He was leaning against the kitchen counter, one hand holding a cup of coffee and the other covering his eyes. His head was killing him and his hands were slightly shaking from all the puking he went through this morning 

No amount of alcohol could get his father's words out of Buck's head. 

Buck knows he can be… exhausting. He knows he can be clingy and he knows he depends a lot on his team. But was he a straight out burden to them all? He didn't think about it like that. 

The team never said that to him and they were always eager to help. But maybe they just didn't want to offend him? Maybe he got too close and none of them knew how to pull away from him? What if he really is a burden? 

Truth is, all of them have families to come back home to and to take care of. Buck doesn't. He has Eddie and Christopher but it's not the same… He doesn't come home to them, he doesn't feel obligated to watch out for himself on dangerous calls for them

But he still heavily relies on them. He still asks for help when he needs it and he still spends most of his nights at the Diaz house. What if he was out staying his welcome and Eddie didn't want to be rude so he's just sucking it up for the sake of the job? 

Before he could spiral some more his phone went off on the counter. 

**9 unread messages**

**13 missed calls**

He unlocked his phone 

**(10:02 pm) Mads:** buck, please call me 

**(10:02 pm) Mads:** i'm so sorry for what they said, none of it is true

**(10:04 pm) Mads:** call me back 

**(10:11 pm) Chim:** buck, call back your sister

**(10:13 pm) Chim:** c'mon man, she's freaking out 

**(10:13 pm)** **Chim:** im freaking out, you left an hour ago 

**(10:14 pm) Chim:** answer the damn phone

**(10:30 pm) Eds:** chim called, said you aren't answering your phone and that he doesn't know where you are

**(10:35 pm) Eds:** don't do anything stupid. I'll be by your place for lunch tomorrow. 

As in on cue, when Buck read the last message there was a knock on his door. He looked at the clock on the microwave 

**11:07**

Little bit early for lunch but he isn't complaining. 

When he opened the door however, it wasn't Eddie he saw. 

"Dad?" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fanconi anaemia - a rare genetic disease resulting in impaired response to DNA damage.
> 
> Aplastic anemia - a disease in which the body fails to produce blood cells in sufficient numbers.
> 
> Máncora - a resort town in the Piura Region, on Peru's northwest coast.
> 
> Saviour sibling - refers to babies that are created to serve an older sibling as a donor of organs, bone marrow or cells. They are created with In vitro fertilisation (IVF) so that they can undergo pre-implantation genetic diagnosis (or testing) to rule out any genetic disorders and also check bone marrow compatibility.
> 
> ( for the sake of the story, the first saviour sibling was born before the 90s - if you do more research on the topic you will definitely find a lot of things altered for this fic. )
> 
> I'll post the next chapter soon, probably tomorrow cause i have some more research to do and i want to check everything before i post it. hope this wasn't too broing for y'all! :)
> 
> if you have any questions or if you read anything that's not correct in this fic pls dm me on twt, @buckleysdean (the L is actually an I so be careful when you type my username)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go, the second chapter! Not gonna lie, i had issues with some parts so go easy on me :P  
> Hope you enjoy!

-

**_1993_**

_Evan was 14 months old when dr. Johnson decided to proceed with the bone marrow transplant. Olivia was getting progressively worse, each day harder than the previous one. Maddie was 6 years old when she found her older sister passed out on the bathroom floor, blood leaking from her nose and mouth._

_It was the scariest day of her life. And it would just get worse_

_She was sitting in the hospital waiting room in between her parents, who held hands behind her back. Her mother’s eyes were red rimmed and puffy, her free hand on Maddie’s knee, thumb rubbing in circles. Maddie didn’t fully understand what was going on but she was scared for her older sister. She knew Olivia was sick and that Evan was going to help her. She didn’t understand how her baby brother would do that exactly but her parents told her not to worry._

_She hated seeing her parents so sad all the time. She hoped Evan would make them smile soon._

_“Buckley?” there was a lady - a nurse her dad told her - calling out their name._

_Her dad stood up and rushed to where the nurse directed him. Maddie wanted to go with him but her mother’s grip on her knee got stronger. “Dad will come back soon honey, stay here” she told her._

_-_

**_2021_**

“Dad?”

Out of all people, Buck was not expecting to see his father.

“Can I come in?” Philip asked, looking rather uncomfortable

Buck kept staring at him, million questions running through his head. _Why are you here? Where’s mom? Why did you come?_

“How do you know where I live?” he said instead.

“Maddie told me.” his father stated. 

“Right.”

There were a few seconds of awkward silence before Buck stepped out of the way and let his father in. 

Philip looked around the apartment with a critical look, the one he always had in his eyes when he looked at anything Buck-related. Buck hated it. It always made him feel exposed and he never wanted his father to see all of him, not after how much issues he had with seeing a little of Buck during the years he grew up.

“So this is where you live?” his father asked rhetorically

“Obviously” Buck answered anyway. 

“It’s more than I imagined, that’s all.” his father cleared up.

Buck felt a slight twinge in his chest at that sentence. He knows his parents don’t think highly of him but he forgot how much it used to hurt hearing his father say degrading things to him. The twinge was just a phantom pain of how it used to be. 

Buck cleared his throat and crossed his arms in front of his chest

“So is there any reason why you are here or did you just come to judge me?”

Philip finished with the examination of his apartment, turning around to fully face him.

“Maddie thinks I have a reason to apologize for my behaviour last night and she sent me here” he said in one breath.

Buck couldn’t help but snort at that. It was kind of funny that nothing really changed in a decade. His father still couldn’t swallow his pride to admit he did something wrong. Long ago Buck realized his father never thought he did anything wrong, especially when it came to criticizing him. 

  
  


-

**_2017_**

_SEALS were everything and more than he could dream about. The trainings were borderline torture, they would get up at asscrack of dawn and they were getting yelled at ninety nine percent of the time._

_Buck loved it._

_Buck passed his PST training without a problem , ranking in the 100th place amongst thousands of accepted candidates. ASVAB was also an easy pass. Despite his fragile nature, as his parents would call it, he enjoyed working under pressure, he loved being in the middle of chaos. Only problem?_

_Discipline. It wasn’t a secret that Buck didn’t take the orders very well but after realizing he would get kicked out of the program before he was even deployed, Buck managed to swallow his pride and listen._

_Months passed and Buck was getting more and more sure in his decision. Until the weapons came in question._

_Realistically he knew he would have to use them, it would be foolish to think he wouldn’t. However, his first training in the gun range made him question the life path he chose_

_“You will go through a complete inhale and exhale cycle and then consciously hold your breath for three to five seconds during the natural pause.” their instructor said while holding a MK 13_

_“This is where you would squeeze the trigger and take your shot. Inhale, exhale again, then fire again during the next pause.” Buck’s group followed his instructions with laser-like focus_

_“Do not try and hold your breath longer to get a better sight picture. If you can’t get it within a few seconds, repeat the breath.”_

_“Time, practice, and patience is important.”_

_“When you are pointing the front sight at the aiming bull, inhale, exhale and stop breathing. Do not breathe until after the shot is fired. This should be held for no longer than eight to ten seconds.”_

_Buck was a natural. He hit the bullseye on every single target._

_He should’ve been proud, but he felt unease instead._

_These were just targets, they can’t feel the pain of a bullet._

_But people could. And he knew one day those targets will be breathing, living humans._

_Could he really take a life? Even if the person was bad?_

_A month later he dropped out and signed up for the fire academy instead._

_-_

**_2021_**

After Chim’s late night call yesterday, Eddie’s sleep was anything but peaceful. He wanted to go to Buck’s apartment but Carla had a day off and he didn’t want to alarm abuela and tia that late so no one could’ve watched over Christopher for the night. Chim didn’t say why he was looking for Buck but the distress in his voice was enough for Eddie’s anxiety to spike up. He knew something was going on with his best friend and not knowing what it was was killing him. 

Buck isn’t usually this secretive and that’s one of the things Eddie loves about him. Eddie is pretty bad at figuring out his own emotions and the emotions of those around him so to have a best friend who wears his heart on a sleeve was a pretty nice thing. It helps Eddie figure out what Buck needs when he feels down or when he’s stuck in his head. It makes them a perfect team on and off the call. 

But last night? He didn’t know what to do. Buck wasn’t answering and Eddie couldn’t leave Christopher alone to search for him. So he did the next best thing - he set up a lunch for them two and he’s gonna get to the bottom of this.

He was at the _Veggie grill ,_ picking up their lunch when Chim’s name flashed across his phone screen

“Hey man-”

 _“Have you heard from Buck?”_ Chim cut him off.

There was a beat of silence. 

“Uh no, no but I’m picking up lunch and heading for his place right now” Eddie answered.

_“Can I come with you? Maddie’s worried about him but her morning sickness is being a bitch today” he asked._

Eddie frowned at that. Why isn’t Chim telling him what’s going on?

“Chim, what’s going on? Is Buck okay?” he asked hurriedly

Chim sighed over the phone, trying to figure out what to say, _if_ he should say anything. 

_“Pick me up and I’ll tell you on the drive to his place”_ and with that he hung up, leaving Eddie no room to argue

  
  


-

**_Buck’s apartment_**

“So you’re apologizing because Maddie asked, not because you think I deserve it?” Buck asked even though he knew the answer already

“You know, you weren’t on your best behaviour either, Evan” Philip responded evenly.

His father fixed him with a gaze. Young Buck would feel ashamed under it but now he felt nothing but annoyance. This conversation was going nowhere. He was still holding Philip’s gaze when he said

“Alright well, if you’re not going to apologize then you’re free to go. Don’t let the door hit you on your way out” Buck gestured vaguely to the front door

“Don’t talk to me like that” his father said sharply

“I can talk to you however I damn want in my house” Buck bit back. 

Philip closed his mouth but made no move to leave. He sat on the kitchen chair, clenching his jaw and visibly swallowing the response. Buck didn’t know what his father wanted, why he even came if he wasn’t planning on apologizing in the first place.

“Look, Evan-”

“It’s Buck, actually”

 **_“Evan.”_ **Philip looked up at him.

Buck closed his mouth

“Madeline threatened to not let your mom and I near our grandchild if we don’t make amends with you.” his father said with a disapproving frown

Buck huffed out a humorless laugh. _Way to go, Mads. You just had to play the peacemaker,_ he thought sourly. 

“So again, you’re not doing it for me, but for Maddie’s approval.” Buck stated

“You could say that.” Philip gritted through his teeth. His fists were clutching on the table

“Well then, I don’t accept your piss poor excuse of an apology,”

Buck spoke as he moved to open the front door, gesturing again to the empty hallway, desperately hoping his dad would succumb and give up from torturing both of them   
  
“You may go.”

One second Buck was standing in front of the open door and the next he found himself pinned on the wall, the door now firmly shut. His father looked furious.

“Who do you think you are, boy?” he spat. “Why are you so hell-bent on taking everything from me?” 

“What the hell are you talking about?” Buck shoved his father away. “You come to my place, asking for forgiveness you don’t even want-”

“Evan, I swear to God if you don’t tell Maddie we made peace I’ll-”

“You will what, dad? Huh? You’ll ignore me for another decade?” Buck was now shouting out of frustration. What was his father trying to accomplish here?

Philip stepped closer once again, fists now firmly planted on his sides. “Why can’t you be useful for once? After everything your mother and I gave you, after everything we did for you, you are still dead set on just taking without giving anything in return” his father’s voice grew louder with every word

“Oh and what exactly did you do for me?” Buck bit back “You never bothered to parent me, grandma and Maddie did the work for you.”

“That’s not true and you know it! We did everything we could at the time-”

 _“You were never there!”_ Buck screamed. “You were never there for me! You never took interest in anything I liked, you just criticised me and complained about everything I did!” 

His father was still looking at him with fury. Buck took a deep breath before continuing. 

“I just wanted you to be proud of me. I wanted to be seen, to be acknowledged for once instead of ignored.”

“Maybe if you did something worth being proud of, we would be” Philip responded through his teeth.

“I did.” Buck stated. “ I _fucking_ did. I was a good student. I wasn’t drinking or doing drugs, I had good friends, I was the damn quarterback in the school football team. A fucking picture perfect of a good son and yet nothing was good enough for you!” Buck was now the one who was stepping closer.

“Nothing I _ever_ did was good enough!”

“Because _you_ were never good enough!” Philip exploded, jabbing a finger in Buck’s chest 

“ _You were never enough!_ ”

Buck felt his breath catch in his throat. 

  
  
  


-

  
  


“So are you going to tell me what’s going on?” Eddie looked over at Chim who was sitting in the passenger seat, biting his nails. 

Chim was nervous to say at least. After the absolute disaster that the dinner was last night, neither he or Maddie were eager for the baby shower anymore. He knew the Buckleys weren’t the best parents but the way they were constantly going at Buck for every little thing he did…Chim was worried for the kid. 

“Maddie’s parents are in town.” he replied quietly. 

Eddie stayed silent. They came across the red light. He turned his body towards Chim

“I’m gonna take that as bad news?” Eddie asked.

Chim sighed, nodding slightly while looking back at the road. “Well, it ain’t great.” he grimaced before continuing “Maddie told me she and Buck have a complicated relationship with their parents and while Maddie managed to find some common ground with them, Buck wasn’t so lucky.”

Eddie cringed at those words. Buck never mentioned his parents, or his childhood for that matter. Eddie never asked cause he sensed that it was a sour topic. 

The light turned green and Eddie turned to the left, now five minutes away from Buck’s place

“Did something happen yesterday?” he asked while looking through the windshield

“We had dinner with them. And it went as well as you could imagine” Chim said in a strained voice. “Things were said, feelings were hurt and Buck stormed out. We haven’t heard from him since” he finished. 

Eddie couldn’t help the frown that spread on his face. He hated that Buck didn’t talk to him about this, they would’ve figured it out. 

“Well his truck is in the driveway” Eddie said while pulling over to the side of the road.

Neither of them noticed another car that was parked down the street.

They exited Eddie’s truck and went into the apartment building.

“How bad was it?” Eddie asked when the elevator door closed. 

“Bad enough... Edidie, they were going at him for _every. single. thing._ he did.” he paused “They reminded me of my father” Chim gulped after saying his thoughts aloud. He hated comparing Maddie’s parents to his dad but it was true. He remembers being constantly under the magnifying glass and yet never being truly seen. 

Eddie nudged his shoulder on the way out of the elevator. He was going to ask some other questions when they heard it.

The shouting. 

Definitely coming out of Buck’s apartment. 

Both of them froze. 

  
  


-

  
  


Buck couldn’t breathe. His ears were ringing, tremors rolling off his body in waves. His father wasn’t done however.

 _“You were never enough!”_ Philip pushed him on the wall again, a picture frame falling from the force of the shove. 

“You were supposed to be enough, you were supposed to save my little girl! You took Olivia away from me, away from your mother because you weren’t enough! Your damn existence gave us nothing but endless despair!” At some point his father started crying. Buck never saw him like this. _Broken. Fragile._

Buck didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move. His father didn’t make any sense but by the looks of it, whatever he was saying was true. 

“You took Olivia from me and I’ll be damned if I let you take away my grandchild too.” Philip finished and stormed out of the apartment, slamming the doors _hard_ on the way out. 

Buck slid down the wall, his legs giving out. He tried to calm himself down because his lungs were burning from the lack of air.

_“When you are pointing the front sight at the aiming bull, inhale, exhale and stop breathing. Do not breathe until after the shot is fired. This should be held for no longer than eight to ten seconds.”_

Buck closed his eyes, putting his head in between his knees.

_Inhale._

_Exhale._

_Stop._

_1, 2, 3 , 4, 5 … Inhale._

_Exhale._

_Inhale-_

“Buck? Buck! Hey, you with me?” There were hands cupping his face but he couldn’t pay them any attention, _he had to start breathing!_

_“Damn it Buckley, breathe! Come on.”_

  
  


-

**_1993_**

_“Buckley?” the nurse finally called. Philip stood up from his chair and went to the operating room. Dr. Johnson was standing in front of its door, his hands in the pockets of his white coat, face stoic._

_“Is it over? Can we see our daughter?” he asked eagerly. They spent three hours in the waiting room, praying for a miracle. He could still hear Maddie’s screams when she found Olivia bleeding on the bathroom floor. Margaret called the hospital and dr. Johnson cleared the surgery room, telling them to bring Evan and Olivia as soon as possible. Initially they wanted to wait until Evan was a bit older but Olivia couldn’t wait anymore._

_“Mr. Buckley, there have been some complications” dr. Johnson said, his voice faltering a little. Chills went down Philip’s spine_

_“Complications? What complications, is my daughter okay?” he asked hurriedly_

_Dr. Johnson sighed, head bowing down for a second before coming back up._

_“Olivia’s respiratory system failed during the surgery. We don’t know what happened” he said. Philip’s knees gave out. He fell on the chair behind him._

_“There was nothing we could do” dr. Johnson stated, his voice wavered._

_Margaret never heard her husband scream like that. Something inside her broke and she knew._

_“Mom?”_

  
  


-

**_2021_**

Chim saw Maddie’s father storm out of Buck’s apartment, face red and his eyes teary. He looked furious and defeated at the same time.

“Mr. Buckley?”

Philip didn’t pay him any mind as he walked straight to the elevator, like Chim and Eddie didn’t exist. Before he could say anything, Eddie ran to Buck’s apartment, leaving Chim deal with Maddie’s father. He wanted to go to Buck but he knew the kid was safe with Eddie.

Eddie didn’t care about the man that walked out of Buck’s apartment. His mind was screaming _“go to Buck”_ repeatedly, legs carrying him to the apartment before he even thought of moving. 

He found the man on the floor, trying to catch his breath but failing to do so.

Eddie fell to his knees in front of Buck, cupping his face gently. “Buck? Buck! Hey, you with me?” the other man’s skin was cold to the touch, his forehead sweaty. Buck didn’t even acknowledge Eddie’s presence

“Buck, c’mon man breathe!” he lifted Buck’s head, trying to get him to look at him. Buck’s pupils were slightly dilated. 

_He’s going into shock._

Eddie’s training kicked in then. _“Lay the person down, loosen tight clothing”_ He laid Buck down on the floor and unbuttoned the first two buttons of Buck’s shirt, trying to make Buck feel freer. Buck didn’t seem fazed at all at the new position. “C’mon” Eddie mumbled. _“Damn it Buck, calm down”_ he thought. After a minute or so Buck was still having trouble breathing but his pupils went back to normal. Buck lifted his head a little 

“Eddie?” he croaked

“Yeah, I’m here buddy” Eddie responded

“Can’t breathe” he tried to say but it came out mumbled. Eddie heard it anyway

“I know, but I need you to focus now. Focus on my breathing” he answered, taking Buck’s hand and putting it on his own chest.

Buck tried to clear the fog that formed in his mind and focus on the rise and fall of his best friend’s chest. 

_Inhale._

_Exhale._

“That’s it, Evan. Keep going.”

Buck tried again

_Inhale._

_Exhale._

“C’mon, one more time.” Eddie took another deep breath. He rubbed his thumb across Buck’s knuckles, trying to get him to focus for just a little bit more. 

Buck could finally breathe. He dropped his head back on the floor, wincing as he did so. His head was killing him and his body was exhausted but it didn’t matter because he could finally _breathe_. Eddie was still pressing his hand to his chest.

“You okay?” Eddie asked in a small voice. 

Buck nodded. 

“Thanks.”

Eddie smiled softly. 

“Anytime.”

  
  


-

**_2018_**

_You’ve reached the phone of Philip Buckley. Leave a message after the tone_

_“Hey dad.” Buck started. “It’s been a while. Just wanted to check in- uh” he huffed a nervous laugh “I- I know it’s stupid to call after a decade but um I thought you and mom would like to know that I’m alive.” He mentally smacked himself. “Anyways uh, I’m a firefighter now. No longer wasting my life in a bar.” He joked but it fell flat. “If you want to catch up, call me back. Bye! Say hi to mom.”_

_He never got a call back._

-

**_Two weeks later after the fight_ **

**_Maddie and Chimney’s house_**

Maddie knew this day would come but she still foolishly hoped she wouldn’t have to be the one to tell Buck about their older sister. 

She was in a constant state of fury and fear ever since she found out their father told Buck about Olivia. She knows their parents never moved on from their sister’s death, and she doesn’t blame them because truly, how does one move on from their child dying so young in life? Olivia was their firstborn, their everything. Her mother used to say that finding about her first pregnancy was the happiest moment of their lives.

Philip and Margaret never wanted more kids but then Maddie happened. And they dealt with it, even fell in love with the idea of having another pair of feet running around their house. 

They never saw Buck as their kid though. And Maddie’s heart ached for her brother because he did not deserve that kind of treatment.

After Olivia’s death, Philip and Margaret lost the little of interest they had for her baby brother. Unintentionally Buck did the worst thing he could to them

He gave them hope. 

And it wasn’t enough.

Olivia still died and they were stuck with the child they never wanted. 

  
  


-

“It's open!” Buck heard Maddie yell from the inside of the house.

For the past two weeks, Maddie has been constantly texting him, checking up on him even when he couldn’t respond due to being on a call. It was nice. It wasn’t like Buck and Maddie didn't hear from eachother on a daily basis, but after what happened with his dad, it was nice to know that at least one member of his family still cares about him. 

He still doesn’t know what happened back then. Their father didn’t return any of his calls and naturally, their mother took his side. He sent numerous voicemails, tried to find them multiple times but every time he stopped by their hotel, they weren’t in their room. After a week or so, Maddie called him to tell him they flew back to Pennsylvania and that they will not attend the baby shower.

He didn’t know if he should feel relief or grief.

He entered the house, putting down the lunch on the kitchen counter. Maddie was curled around her boppy pregnancy wedge on the couch, watching _The Great Celebrity Bake Off_ on Netflix. 

“Hey, Evan” she said, not looking away from the TV.

“Hey, Mads” he replied. Buck took a second to take in the sight in front of him

He knows it’s cliche to say but Maddie was _glowing._ Pregnancy suited her. Her belly was huge, her due date not far away from now. Buck can’t wait to meet his future niece. He smiled at thought. He was the only one who knew the sex of the baby (okay and Eddie knows but Maddie and Chim don’t need to know that) since Maddie and Chim wanted to do the whole gender reveal thing

_“With a cake, Buck! I don’t want any explosions near me anytime soon” Maddie warned when she first told him the idea._

_“Not even fireworks?”_

_“No!”_

Buck sat down on the other side of the couch, pulling Maddie’s feet in his lap and gently massaging her ankles

“Is that the one-” Buck asked

“The one with that guy Acaster, yeah” Maddie finished with a grin. 

**_“Uh, can you tell us about your flapjack, please?” Paul asked_**

Maddie mouthed along the next words

**_“Started making it. Had a breakdown… Bon appetit!”_**

Maddie started laughing and Buck couldn’t help but laugh along even though he’s seen this bit dozens of times. During the episode Buck unpacked the lunch he brought and the siblings were eating and commenting through the episode, like they used to do when they were kids. When the episode ended, Maddie turned off the TV and headed to her bedroom. Buck took the now empty containers and threw them in the trash. When he came back to the living room, there was an open wooden box on the coffee table, Maddie sitting in front of it and smiling softly at the photos inside. 

“What’s all this Mads?” he asked. 

“Just some baby photos, brother” she replied quietly. “Look how cute you were back then” she added while picking up one of the older photos, handing it to him. In the photo Maddie was holding him in her lap, her face red from laughing at Buck’s confused expression. They were both a bit blurry since neither of them could stop moving, making their grandma slightly annoyed since she wanted at least one good photo of her grandkids. 

Buck smiled softly at the photo. He still remembers their grandma’s house, the way it smelled of apples and cinnamon. It was a small place but there Buck felt home. Wanted. 

“I wanted to show you something else though.” Maddie replied, a frown spreading on her face

Buck sat down next to her, still looking at the photo of the two of them. 

He gently put it down on the coffee table 

Maddie handed him a file of some sorts. _Medical record._ his mind supplied.

“Uh, Mads?” he said, confusion filling him up. _Why does she have a medical record?_

“Read it.” she answered 

Buck opened the file. It was a death certificate.

**_“Name of the deceased: Olivia Paige Buckley_ **

**_Date of birth: 10/5/1984_ **

**_Sex: Female”_**

“Olivia…” Buck mumbled, remembering his father’s words

_“You took Olivia away from me, away from your mother because you weren’t enough!”_

Buck took a shaky breath

**_“Diagnosis: Fanconi anaemia_ **

**_Cause of death: Respiratory system failure_ **

**_Date of death: 11/16/1993”_**

He looked away from the file, his eyes setting on the box in front of him. Maddie’s hand clasped his, squeezing gently. 

“Olivia was our older sister” Maddie said. 

_What?_

Buck turned his head towards her, his brows furrowing deeper. 

When he said nothing, Maddie continued

“She was diagnosed with Fanconi anaemia when she was 6. Long story short her bone marrow didn’t work like it should’ve.” she paused, blinking away the tears that started to form. Maddie took a deep breath.

“Mom and Dad found a doctor in Washington state who was a “miracle worker”. Or so the people called him.” she continued. “He wanted to do a bone marrow transplant but no one in the family was compatible and at the time there weren’t a lot of donors.” Maddie looked up at Buck who was reading the file again. 

“Buck, have you heard of the term “saviour sibling?” she asked. 

Buck shook his head.

“It means that the mom of the sick kid gets pregnant with IVF, and the child that she has is a perfect match to the sick one. A compatible donor.” Maddie finished.

Buck looked at the date of death again. **_1993_**

All the colour from his face drained away.

“Maddie…” he started

Buck looked up from the file. Maddie could see his mind working mile a minute, his eyes frantically looking left and right. She intertwined their hands. 

“Buck, you were Olivia’s saviour sibling.” 

Time stopped for Buck

_He was a what?_

“Buck?” Maddie squeezed his hand tighter. 

“Evan?” she tried again. Buck pulled away from her, putting his head in between his knees, his fingers laced together on top of it. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath when he felt Maddie’s hand set on his lower back, going back and forth trying to sooth him.

“Why didn’t you tell me before?” he asked, voice tight. There was a lump in his throat that he couldn’t break through.

“I don’t know.” she replied. “I guess we didn’t want you to feel the pain we felt when she died.” she replied wobbly. 

Philip’s words were back in Buck’s mind, now constantly on repeat. “ _Your damn existence gave us nothing but endless despair!” “You weren’t enough!”_

“Maddie, why isn’t she alive?” Buck asked. He stood up abruptly. “Why the hell isn’t she here if I was such a perfect match for her?” he wasn’t yelling, not yet but his voice became loud and shaky. His vision started to blur, his heart pounding in his chest

Maddie let the first tears stream down her face. “Her death isn’t your fault-”

 _“Then what did dad mean when he said I wasn’t enough?”_ he shouted. Maddie flinched slightly.

 _“He was wrong, you were enough!”_ she exploded. _“You were enough but it was too late and something went wrong and she stopped breathing during the procedure!”_

Maddie was standing now too. This is why she feared telling Buck about this ‘cause she knew he would blame himself and she won’t allow it. Not when her parents are delusional enough to blame him for Olivia’s death.

Buck’s gaze lowered to the floor, his tears falling down too. Everything made sense now and he wished he didn’t. His lonely childhood, his desperate need for approval, his parents’ absence..he used to blame them for not being there but now… Now he gets it

Because who would care about the person that failed to save their child?

“Buck, listen to me” Maddie was standing in front of him, her hands cupping his face, making him look her in the eyes.

“Her death isn’t your fault. She was already gone.” she said sternly. Buck moved to get his head out of Maddie’s grasp but she just stepped closer, not letting him look away. 

“Our parents were consumed by grief and instead of focusing on the kid they had, all they could think about was the one that is six feet under,” she continued. Buck squeezed his eyes shut. 

“Evan, you are enough even if you don’t believe me right now. They knew the risks of having a saviour baby and they knew that the surgery wasn’t necessarily a solution. None of this is your fault. You didn’t ask to be born just to be a donor.” she finished

Buck opened his eyes. Maddie pulled him in a hug, putting his head in the crook of her neck. They were swaying slightly in place, Maddie’s hand rubbing Buck’s back while her other was still on the back of his head. 

She took a deep breath and then said “I’m glad you were born. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

A choked sob escaped from Buck’s throat.

-

Few hours later, Chimney found the siblings sprawled across the couch, soundly asleep. His girlfriend had an arm protectively around her brother’s waist, her ear on Buck’s left side of his chest. Their legs were tangled and both of them looked at peace. Chim smiled at the pair and covered them with a duvet from the sofa, deciding to let them sleep. 

He cleaned up the coffee table, closing the file without looking at what it said and putting it neatly back in the familiar box, heading to their bedroom. Maddie showed the box to him when they found out she was pregnant and ever since then, Chim loved to take it out and look through the photos every once in a while. He never touched the file though. He had a feeling that if Maddie wants him to know about it, she’ll tell him.

He closed the box and put it under their bed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're done! This was definitely a challenge to write but I'm okay with the way it turned out. A lot of research went into this fic even though it's relatively short but it's one of the longest i've written. Again, i tried to be as accurate as possible but if you spot a mistake somewhere please let me know. I hope you liked this fic and I just wanna thank everybody who left comments and kudos on the previous chapter, those made my day! Ty for reading :))
> 
> PST ( The Physical Screening Test )- your entry exam to the Navy SEAL Teams
> 
> ASVAB - a timed multi-aptitude test, which is given at over 14000 schools and Military Entrance Processing Stations (MEPS) nationwide.
> 
> IVF ( In vitro fertilization ) - a complex series of procedures used to help with fertility or prevent genetic problems and assist with the conception of a child.


End file.
